Feeling Guilty About Feeling Good

Feeling guilty about feeling good

I just had another epiphany. Yes, yet another one. It seems as though my life is filled with these ‘aha moment’s, some of which just seem to come out of left field, while others come through my diligent efforts to understand the complex craziness that is me. How I appreciate the fact that I still keep learning and discovering more things about myself and how to feel better about who I am.

I’ve become more and more convinced that my true purpose and the true purpose of all of us is to find peace and joy in connecting with that loving place inside of us. The place that allows us to feel good about who we are and where we’re at in our lives. Now I’m sensing that it’s really nice to just feel ok and that feeling ok is actually enough. When I feel good…it’s an added bonus for me. If I think about it from a spiritual perspective, feeling good seems like a no brainer…it’s our innate state of being…it’s our “center”…it’s where we are meant to be. Yet, for some reason, we all search high and low for happiness outside of ourselves…the proverbial “looking for love in all the wrong places”.  I wish it was easier to find that happiness within on a daily basis, but I know it’s a work in progress for me.

I do have moments where I feel really good, really happy and at peace. I don’t take those for granted. Yet, something struck me this morning. Thus, my aforementioned epiphany. When I’m feeling good, there’s still that voice inside of me that wants to creep in and burst my bubble of happiness whenever it can. I actually became aware that there’s this stream of consciousness in my head that says: “You may feel good right now, but it certainly won’t last.”  Or: “You have too many things you should be focusing on and putting your attention to…get with it.”  Or even this one: “How can you feel good when so many others are struggling?” In that instant, I feel guilty for feeling good. Then, I have to crawl my way back to a peaceful thought and it becomes more work than ease.

So, what is that all about? Obviously, my saboteur, my egoic mind is up to its old tricks as usual. Those old thoughts of doubt stemming from a childhood where you weren’t acknowledged unless you were accomplishing something all the time are still running the show. Wouldn’t it have been so lovely to just be loved for being not doing?  It’s hard for some parents to simply love and hug their kids for just breathing.  Usually there’s a reason needed to tell a kid how great they are. Well, it just wasn’t that way for me growing up but, in my case, I don’t resent that anymore. My “flawed” upbringing was the contrast I needed to push me forward to seek something better and richer in my life.

Yet, here I am…seeking the richness of the moment and feeling happy and yet I just can’t stay there for too long. I have to get back to life and all of its stuff…and not just my stuff, by the way, everyone else’s stuff is part of my job. My husband’s stuff, my kids’ stuff, the worlds’ stuff.  It’s as though being happy is wrong because so many people aren’t….so why should I? That’s definitely not a message I want to continue to cultivate anymore.

Well, I’m glad I caught this unhelpful way of thinking. That awareness will be the first step in setting me free. It’s an old tape and I’ll have to keep rewriting it. I intend to. It is my right and my purpose to feel good. As I feel good, that positive energy will contribute to all of those I want joy and happiness for. It’s the only thing I really can do. Worrying about others only contributes to that negative state. Improving my own state of mind and state of being is my best and greatest gift. Guilt be gone! I deserve each and every moment, no matter how small, to be joyous, happy and free, or at the very least, OK. Ok is good. I’ll take it!