Quiet, “Crazy Head”

If you are anything at all like me and others who have had issues with food, then you may know what I am talking about when I say, “crazy head”. That is the name I sometimes use when I am referring to that voice inside of me that I have lived with for as long as I can remember. If you have been reading my articles, you may have heard me refer to it as your Saboteur, but honestly sometimes the word Saboteur sounds too smart, too cunning and too professional (which it can often be). Really, there are moments when it just feels like “crazy head”. I just want to tell it to get the hell away from me and leave me be.

What is “crazy head”?  The voice that is constantly nagging at me is “crazy head” Those times when I hear food calling my name out loud and those times when I want to say “screw it”…..eat the damn ice cream….that’s “crazy head”. The voice that tells me I should skip breakfast today because I ate too much last night…that’s “crazy head.”

“Crazy head” (CH) is not just about food, either. CH can speak to me about my wardrobe. “You look awful in those pants. Why did you buy them? They’re too tight and you look fat.” CH loves to start nudging me to get on the scale or tells me that getting on the scale is a bad idea.

CH loves to give me a hard time when I want to relax and just kick back, reminding me how much work I still have do to and how it won’t get done on time if I take a break. CH is great at pointing out to me how much better someone else’s website looks than mine or how much more successful one of my colleagues is than me or knows more than I do. That compare and despair syndrome is always fueled by good old CH.

So, now that I have identified my “crazy head” to you, does it sound familiar at all? I know that when I am running at too fast a pace, or feeling low, CH loves to chime right in and take advantage of my vulnerability. That is when I know that I am letting myself get too depleted and not getting what I need to feel healthy, sane and empowered. So, in a way, CH is my barometer for whether or not I am putting myself first or bumping myself to last place on my to do list.

I have learned to accept CH and to know where that voice comes from. It’s an old voice that isn’t relevant to me or my life anymore. I remind myself that CH doesn’t want what’s best for me and wants to derail me any chance it can get. It doesn’t like change and it doesn’t like to see me grow.

That’s ok, “crazy head”. Even though I hear you, it doesn’t mean I have to listen to you. In fact, I now know how to turn the volume down on you and turn up the volume of my inner voice. That voice is the one I choose to listen to now and that voice is pretty straight forward. It doesn’t need a lot of rhetoric, rationale or justification. It’s just plain and simple and it’s always about me taking care of me and being alright with me.

So, next time CH decides to start a conversation in my head, I plan to say: “Take a hike, ‘crazy head’. You’re not the boss of me! “What does the voice of your “crazy head” sound like? When you hear it, I give you permission to do the same.